_ Chapter I _ lost when was only fifteen , and when , to add to the misfortune , was absent at , and could not have it in power to soothe 's last moments , as said .
Words are sometimes very poor exponents of such an event : but it happens now and then , on the other hand , that a plain intimation expresses too much , and suggests emotion and suffering which , in reality , have but little , if any , existence .
, , had been for many years ; had grown a little peevish in loneliness , not feeling of much account in .
There are ; but it is unfortunately much more usual to take the plan adopted by .
The consequence was , that when disappeared from sofa -- except for the mere physical fact that was no longer there -- , except , could have found out much difference .
, it is true , who had , somewhere , hidden deep in some secret corner of physical organisation , the remains of a heart , experienced a certain sentiment of sadness when re-entered .
But was too busy to waste feelings on a mere sentiment .
, however , was only fifteen , and had floods of tears at command , as was natural at that age .
All the way revolved the situation in mind , which was considerably enlightened by novels and popular philosophy -- for was , and was fond of bestowing that work as a prize , with pencil-marks on the margin -- so that 's mind had been cultivated , and was brimful of the best of sentiments .
made up mind on journey to a great many virtuous resolutions ; for , in such a case as hers , it was evidently the duty of to devote to 's comfort , and become the sunshine of life , as have been known to become in literature .
had a lively mind , and was capable of grasping all the circumstances of the situation at a glance .
Thus , between the outbreaks of tears for , it became apparent to that must sacrifice own feelings , and make for , and that a great many changes would be necessary in the household -- changes which went so far as even to extend to the furniture .
sketched to , as lay back in the corner of , with veil down , how would wind up to the duty of presiding at 's dinner-parties , and charming by good humour , and brightness , and devotion to comfort ; and how , when it was all over , would withdraw and cry eyes out in , and be found in the morning languid and worn-out , but always heroical , ready to go and assist at 's breakfast , and keep up smiles for till had gone out to .
Altogether the picture was a very pretty one ; and , considering that put force upon feelings in novels , and maintain a smile for the benefit of , the idea was not at all extravagant , considering that was but fifteen .
was not , however , exactly the kind of figure for this _ mise en scène _ .
When talked of to -- for was already at -- the most common description gave was , that was ; and there was great truth in the adjective .
was not to be described as -- which conveys an altogether different idea -- but was large in all particulars , full and well-developed , with somewhat large features , not at all pretty as yet , though it was known in that had said that such a face might ripen into beauty , and become " grandiose , " for anything could tell .
was not vain ; but the word had taken possession of imagination , as was natural , and solaced much when made the painful discovery that gloves were half a number larger , and shoes a hair-breadth broader , than those of ; but the hands and feet were both perfectly well shaped ; and being at the same time well clothed and plump , were much more presentable and pleasant to look upon than the lean rudimentary hands with which they were surrounded .
To add to these excellences , had a mass of hair which , if it could but have been cleared a little in its tint , would have been golden , though at present it was nothing more than tawny , and curly to exasperation .
wore it in large thick curls , which did not , however , float or wave , or do any of the graceful things which curls ought to do ; for it had this aggravating quality , that it would not grow long , but would grow ridiculously , unmanageably thick , to the admiration of , but to own despair , for there was no knowing what to do with those short but ponderous locks .
These were the external characteristics of .
In the course of rapid journey had already settled upon everything that had to be done ; or rather , to speak truly , had rehearsed everything , according to the habit already acquired by a quick mind , a good deal occupied with itself .
First , meant to fall into 's arms -- forgetting , with that singular facility for overlooking the peculiarities of others which belongs to such a character , that was very little given to embracing , and that a hasty kiss on forehead was the warmest caress had ever given -- and then to rush up to and weep over .
" And to think was not to soothe last moments ! "
said to , with a sob , and with feelings sufficiently real in their way .
After this , made up mind to come again , pale as death , but self-controlled , and devote to .
Perhaps , if great emotion should make tearless , as such cases had been known , would steal into arms unawares , and so surprise into weeping .
All this went briskly through mind , undeterred by the reflection that tears were as much out of 's way as embraces ; and in this mood sped swiftly along in the inspiration of first sorrow , as imagined , but in reality to suffer first disappointment , which was of a less soothing character than that mild and manageable grief .
When reached had been dead for twenty-four hours ; and was not at the door to receive as had expected , but by the bedside of , who could not consent to go out of without .
This was a sad reversal of intentions , but was not .
carried out the second part of programme without either interference or sympathy , except from , who had some hopes from the moment of arrival .
" ca n't abear to think as 'm to be parted from all , , " sobbed .
" 've lost , and should n't mind going after .
Whenever gets in , 're the first to be took away , " said .
" Ah , , " cried , reposing sorrow in the arms of , " must try to be a comfort to ! "
With this end made very troublesome to during those few dim days before the faint and daily lessening shadow of poor was removed altogether from .
When that sad ceremony had taken place , and returned , serious enough , Heaven knows , to , the crisis arrived which had rehearsed so often , but after quite a different fashion .
was tearless , indeed , but not from excess of emotion .
On the contrary , a painful heaviness possessed when became aware how little real sorrow was in mind , and how small an actual loss was this loss of , which bulked before as an event of just as much magnitude as the loss , for example , which poor , , was at the same moment suffering .
It was even sad , in another point of view , to think of passing out of , and leaving so little trace that had ever been .
As for , had vanished into thin air years and years ago .
These thoughts were heavy enough -- perhaps even more overwhelming than that grief which develops love to its highest point of intensity .
But such were not precisely the kind of reflections which could be solaced by paternal _ attendrissement _ over .
It was May , and the weather was warm for the season ; but had caused the fire to be lighted in , with the idea that it would be " a comfort " to ; and , for the same reason , had ordered tea to be served , instead of the dinner , for which , as imagined , could have little appetite .
When went in to , tired and heated and sad -- for even on the day of 's funeral had to think of -- the very heaviness of thoughts gave warmth to indignation .
had longed for the quiet and the coolness and the solitude of , apart from ; and when found radiant with firelight , tea set on the table , and crying by the fire , in new crape , the effect upon a temper by no means perfect may be imagined .
threw both the windows wide open and rang the bell violently , and gave instant orders for the removal of the unnecessary fire and the tea-service .
" Let know when dinner is ready , " said , in a voice like thunder ; " and if wants a fire , let it be lighted in . "
was so much taken by surprise by this sudden overthrow of programme , that submitted , as might have done , and suffered and fire and tea-things to be dismissed , where wept still more at sight of 's sofa , and where came to mingle tears with those of , and to beg dear , for the sake of precious ' elth and , to be persuaded to take some tea .
On the whole , stood lessened in the eyes of by ability to eat dinner , and resentment at having habitudes disturbed .
" would eat and drink if was all in graves , " said ; and the outraged sentiment of was avenged by a bad and hasty dinner , which , though generally " very particular , " swallowed without remark .
About an hour afterwards went to , where was waiting for , much less at ease than had expected to be .
Though gave a little sigh at the sight of 's sofa , did not hesitate to sit down upon it , and even to draw it a little out of its position , which , as described afterwards , was like a knife going into heart .
Though , indeed , had decided already , in the intervals of tears , that furniture had got very faded and shabby , and that it would be very expedient to have it renewed for the new reign of youth and energy which was about to commence .
As for , though thought insensible , heart was heavy enough .
had gone out of without leaving the least mark of existence , except in .
Instead of thinking of as a comfort , felt called upon to face a new and unexpected embarrassment .
It would have been a satisfaction to just then to have been left to , and permitted to work on quietly at profession , and to write papers for the _ Lancet _ , and to see now and then when chose ; for was not ; consequently , drew 's sofa a little farther from the fire , and took seat on it soberly , quite unaware that , by so doing , was putting a knife into 's heart .