CHAPTER I TREATS OF AND OF THE CIRCUMSTANCES ATTENDING BIRTH Among in , which for many reasons it will be prudent to refrain from mentioning , and to which will assign no fictitious name , there is one anciently common to , great or small : to wit , ; and in was born ; on a day and date which need not trouble to repeat , inasmuch as it can be of no possible consequence to the reader , in this stage of the business at all events ; the item of mortality whose name is prefixed to the head of this chapter .
For a long time after was ushered into , by , it remained a matter of considerable doubt whether would survive to bear any name at all ; in which case it is somewhat more than probable that these memoirs would never have appeared ; or , if they had , that being comprised within a couple of pages , they would have possessed the inestimable merit of being the most concise and faithful specimen of biography , extant in the literature of any age or .
Although am not disposed to maintain that the being born in , is in itself the most fortunate and enviable circumstance that can possibly befall , do mean to say that in this particular instance , it was the best thing for that could by possibility have occurred .
The fact is , that there was considerable difficulty in inducing to take upon the office of respiration , -- a troublesome practice , but one which custom has rendered necessary to easy existence ; and for some time lay gasping on a little flock mattress , rather unequally poised between and the next : the balance being decidedly in favour of the latter .
Now , if , during this brief period , had been surrounded by , , , and , would most inevitably and indubitably have been killed in no time .
There being by , however , but a ; and ; and Nature fought out the point between them .
The result was , that , after a few struggles , breathed , sneezed , and proceeded to advertise to the fact of a new burden having been imposed upon , by setting up as loud a cry as could reasonably have been expected from , a voice , for a much longer space of time than three minutes and a quarter .
As gave this first proof of the free and proper action of lungs , the patchwork coverlet which was carelessly flung over the iron bedstead , rustled ; the pale face of was raised feebly from the pillow ; and a faint voice imperfectly articulated the words , ' Let see , and die . '
had been sitting with face turned towards the fire : giving the palms of hands a warm and a rub alternately .
As spoke , rose , and advancing to the bed 's head , said , with more kindness than might have been expected of : ' Oh , must not talk about dying yet . '
' Lor bless dear heart , no ! '
interposed , hastily depositing in pocket a green glass bottle , the contents of which had been tasting in a corner with evident satisfaction .
' Lor bless dear heart , when has lived as long as have , , and had , and all on 'em dead except two , and in the wurkus with , 'll know better than to take on in that way , bless dear heart !
Think what it is to be , there 's a dear young lamb do . '
Apparently this consolatory perspective of 's prospects failed in producing its due effect .
shook head , and stretched out hand towards .
deposited in arms .
imprinted cold white lips passionately on forehead ; passed hands over face ; gazed wildly round ; shuddered ; fell back -- and died .
chafed breast , hands , and temples ; but the blood had stopped forever .
talked of hope and comfort .
had been too long .
' It 's all over , ! '
said at last .
' Ah , poor dear , so it is ! '
said , picking up the cork of the green bottle , which had fallen out on the pillow , as stooped to take up .
' Poor dear ! '
' need n't mind sending up to , if cries , , ' said , putting on gloves with great deliberation .
' It 's very likely _ will _ be troublesome .
Give a little gruel if is . '
put on hat , and , pausing by the bed-side on way to the door , added , ' was , too ; where did come from ? '
' was brought here last night , ' replied , ' by 's order .
was found lying in .
had walked some distance , for shoes were worn to pieces ; but where came from , or where was going to , knows . '
leaned over , and raised the left hand .
' The old story , ' said , shaking head : ' no wedding-ring , see .
Ah !
Good-night ! '
walked away to dinner ; and , having once more applied to the green bottle , sat down on a low chair before the fire , and proceeded to dress .
What an excellent example of the power of dress , was !
Wrapped in the blanket which had hitherto formed only covering , might have been ; it would have been hard for to have assigned proper station in society .
But now that was enveloped in the old calico robes which had grown yellow in the same service , was badged and ticketed , and fell into place at once -- -- -- -- to be cuffed and buffeted through -- despised by , and pitied by .
cried lustily .
If could have known that was , perhaps would have cried the louder .
CHAPTER II TREATS OF 'S GROWTH , EDUCATION , AND BOARD For the next eight or ten months , was the victim of a systematic course of treachery and deception .
was brought up by hand .
The hungry and destitute situation of was duly reported by to .
inquired with dignity of , whether there was .
replied with humility , that there was not .
Upon this , magnanimously and humanely resolved , that should be ' farmed , ' or , in other words , that should be dispatched to , where , rolled about the floor all day , without the inconvenience of too much food or too much clothing , under the parental superintendence of , who received at and for the consideration of sevenpence-halfpenny per small head per week .
Sevenpence-halfpenny 's worth per week is a good round diet for ; a great deal may be got for sevenpence-halfpenny , quite enough to overload stomach , and make uncomfortable .
was ; knew what was good for ; and had a very accurate perception of what was good for .
So , appropriated the greater part of the weekly stipend to own use , and consigned to even a shorter allowance than was originally provided for .
Thereby finding in the lowest depth a deeper still ; and proving .
knows the story of who had a great theory about a horse being able to live without eating , and who demonstrated it so well , that had got own horse down to a straw a day , and would unquestionably have rendered him a very spirited and rampacious animal on nothing at all , if he had not died , four-and-twenty hours before he was to have had his first comfortable bait of air .
Unfortunately for , the experimental philosophy of , a similar result usually attended the operation of _ _ system ; for at the very moment when had contrived to exist upon the smallest possible portion of the weakest possible food , it did perversely happen in eight and a half cases out of ten , either that sickened from want and cold , or fell into the fire from neglect , or got half-smothered by accident ; in any one of which cases , was usually summoned into , and there gathered to .
Occasionally , when there was some more than usually interesting inquest upon -- though the latter accident was very scarce , anything approaching to a washing being of rare occurrence in -- would take it into heads to ask troublesome questions , or would rebelliously affix signatures to a remonstrance .
But these impertinences were speedily checked by the evidence of , and the testimony of ; the former of whom had always opened and found nothing inside ( which was very probable indeed ) , and the latter of whom invariably swore whatever wanted ; which was very self-devotional .
Besides , made periodical pilgrimages to , and always sent the day before , to say were going .
were neat and clean to behold , when _ _ went ; and what more would have !